---
title: The void
author: nek0
tags: english
description: What happened in the last half year
---

Hello folks. I am deeply sorry for not updating my blog for this long.

As some of you might know, I struggle with depression. The last few months have
been very hard for me, as my illness gets more active and unpredictable due to
stress. And I feel more and more like I'm losing ground. Things I enjoyed doing
in the past don't appeal to me anymore. I have trouble maintaining my sleep
schedule. Everyday tasks are harder and harder to make and my thoughts venture
more and more into darker places. These all and more are warning signs for a
very serious depressive episode.

It feels like nothing really changes. Every time I'm in clinical treatment, most
recently in november, new problems become visible, but none of my complications
ever get resolved. I'm on medication, which messes with my brain and has tons of
side effects and yet it only keeps me barely functioning.

I feel like a burden. Both socially on my friends and family but also on society
as a whole. I don't dare to speak to my friends too much anymore, to not drag
them down. Everyone has enough of his own problems. And somehow everyone gets
his or her things done, except for me. I am useless.
